Growing Up

When did it all change? I remember being a little girl and everyone told me to enjoy being a child. They said enjoy living at home and not having to work, pay bills, worry about the adult things. Okay, I was perhaps less a child, and more a teenager. I was blessed and lucky (two different things but we can discuss that at another time, maybe). I remember going away to college and even while working my many on-campus jobs, there was more than one, I still didn't feel I had grown and was an adult. Over the past two years, I realized, I have grown up. I've been this height for a while, and I gained some extra pounds, more in the last year, than I had but when I say I've grown up, I mean matured. I've been very mature for a while. My parents would get compliments about how I was so mature for my age when I was younger.

I think a lot of it started when I was separated and going through my divorce. I didn't have anyone to focus on but me and it had been a long time, if ever, that I had focused on myself. I didn't have to worry about hurting someones feelings or checking to see if there were more plans than just video games so I could go out. I didn't have to answer to anyone.  I started associating with some different people. We went out for drinks and dinner instead of the club as a group. We went to take drives exploring the scenery instead of me seeing the same map on the game for the weekend's activities. I went to Germany, and it was not my first time overseas, but it was my first time in Germany, being able and legal to drink. I was the second, or third depending on how you counted it, oldest person in the group. I drank so much beer and it was delicious. I could still drink all of the men under the table (some things don't change). I even had hard liquor. FYI: The beer in Germany is better than German beer in America. I never tried the German beer that can be found in America in Germany because I kept drinking beer that isn't sold here.

While I reminisce about my drinking beer, we'll continue my growth. This did help it however, because my tastes have changed. I grew to appreciate beer a lot more and at some point, wine as well. I used to be a hard liquor only female, especially in my college and just after college days. In my mid 20s, I grew an appreciation for Moscato and sweet wines. In my later 20s and now in my thirties, I appreciate all of the varieties of alcohol. I'll drink anything on a given day. I now look forward to going to breweries and wine tastings.  I actually went with my parents for a wine tasting on my birthday, my idea. Now, I can't get enough.

Speaking of growing, I enjoy a different ambiance, or scene. I used to be ready to club and dance until 3 in the morning, go home and sleep until 4am and get up and go. The last time I did that, I was also going through my divorce. I had to get all of my partying out. It was fun, at the time. Now, I like to dance but have no desire to go out to a club. That became very apparent for me when I was pregnant and was the DD for my friend's 29th birthday. Krystal was my DD for my 28th (newly single, although not quite officially divorced) birthday. I owed it to her and boy did I tell her the whole night, she was lucky I had promised her the year before. I was sober and her and our friends were plastered. It was fun but the grinding and people being so close to you you couldn't move was old news to me. If I go to a club, let it be a jazz or blues club. I want a more sophisticated crowd to deal with.

I want to hear music that I could play for my family. I want something lively and meaningful. The music of hearing women called hoes and b*tches isn't music. Honestly, some of the stuff out nowadays, I don't know how it came about. I know my parents used to say that to me previously but I get it. I turn the radio on listening to the so called "music" of today. Give me Ella, Tina, James and Michael.  I want the stuff before my time that didn't have to have every other word bleeped out and that didn't offend one sex.

Instead of going out listening to that, why don't I just stay home. I used to think it was an atrocity to be home and in bed by 10:00 pm on a Friday or Saturday. That was my time for just starting to get ready and going out. Now, if I'm out at a friend's house laughing, that is the best time. I enjoy game night. That may last until midnight, but it's something I appreciate more than going out and not being able to have a conversation because the music is too loud and I'm standing in a puddle of sweat and alcohol surrounded by intoxicated people the whole time. If I'm not having game night or hanging out with friends, I am comfortable just being at home relaxing. I don't always have to go out.

I don't make it out now as much as I used to. That's okay with me. I'm actually quite happy. I always wanted to be a mother but I didn't realize it would be so rewarding. I love being able to pick up my baby and hug him. In bed by 9:00 pm so he and I can sleep together, is a joy too. I am that old woman I used to joke my friends about when they wanted to be at home sleeping. Now they can joke me. There is no greater place to be. It's not just about me. I have someone else whose needs come first and will continue to come first. I've grown even more since I was informed I'd be a mother.

I hope I continue to grow. My situations can help others learn. I can teach my son things to avoid. He can see that hard work pays off.  I can show him that he can do anything he puts his mind to. Hopefully I can teach him that growing up is all great but don't rush time. Don't wish to be somewhere you will be later on in life. If you do, you'll grow up and miss all the wonder and excitement of getting there.

New Decade - Extended Version from Facebook Post

My 20s was my time for experimenting and trying different things. I had rough patches and tough times. I had my first real boyfriend who broke my heart. Looking back it wasn't a relationship I should have been in for multiple reasons but it helped me learn. I married and learned it's okay to divorce if love isn't there and the marriage is dragging you down. This was not a relationship I should have been in but I learned again, this time listen when family and friends say No to the man. I thought I found love again but I found a broken player who puts on a good show but needs to grow himself. He did give me my greatest love of all, Andre, my son. 
I know it has been a while since I have written or said anything. So much has happened and at the time I should have been here, I strayed away. At the time I should have been praying, I lost my way and stopped. I will always find my way back to GOD, it may just take a longer time at some points. I am glad that I am into a new decade.
I lost my self-worth, self-confidence and self-esteem somewhere in my 20s. I didn't notice it, until people started to see it and ask me what happened? I think it started in college when I realized I was good with my hands but no matter how much I studied, I wasn't understanding certain concepts. Unfortunately for me, those were the concepts I needed to pass the classes. I didn't do too well and switched majors. I love the major I went to, but looking back, I wish I had done more. I wish I had double majored when I switched and went on to Grad school. I wish I had taken a language. I wish that I had chosen a college close to home. Of course, then, my path would have changed completely. Maybe that is when I started to lose everything all about my self.  Maybe when I lost my job and just couldn't believe I was unemployed. Maybe when I felt I had a man but kept finding boys. I don't know when it happened but I know I'm gaining it all back.
I need to gain it all back because I have a son to raise. I need him to see how strong and tough his mother is. I need him to know that he is going to make it through life, and I'll always be by his side. I want him to know that he isn't going to have to depend on anyone but himself - He can do anything he puts his mind to and wants to do. My son is going to know the person I used to be - the person who had self-worth, self-confidence and self-esteem. He is going to see the woman who knows she is worth it and won't settle for less. If I don't show him that, who will? He needs to learn to respect females, value them and never put them down and know that a female is a blessing. He will be taught to never be rude to a female and no matter what situation he gets into, he should never disrespect a female or call her out of her name. I am ready to teach him all that I have taken for granted and all that I had lost in myself.
 I'm happy to be 30. This is a new decade and a new chapter in my life. I'll listen to my family a little more - we may still argue but that's family, embrace my flaws with wider arms and I'll be okay if I fail....only a little. (I am a born winner after all.) I am excited to be 30 and I'm excited for the next 10 years and what it will bring. (Winning the lottery wouldn't hurt one bit!) Cheers to 30, growing and learning more. Glad to be moving on in life. :)